The Cosmetic Catastrophe


“Fuit Foo!” the construction guy whistles in the Revlon ad, as the tall, leggy brunette walks by. We see this beautiful goddess toss her hair and give an eyeliner smeared stare at the camera. But Ill rewind if I may, and take a cue from film director, John Carpenter, from his movie “They Live”, as I scrutinize what’s really going on all over this girl’s face under special x ray glasses. “Oh my…. she’s an alien and she’s trying to take over the world with the rest of her alien drones! She can’t…. wait, wha? you say she just has cancerous agents on her face eating away at cell tissue and causing all sorts of health problems from breast and uterine cancer to reproductive complications? Oh. What a relief.”

From her painted toes all the way to the roots of her dyed brown hair, this woman on the screen is a walking disaster to her own health. For the rest of this article, as we point out the major health risks on her body, let’s call her Betty-X. (X, just because it makes her seem more dangerous.)

• Betty(X!)’s nails are more than just fire engine red attention grabbers. They are carcinogenic claws, most likely covered in a chemical called DBP (or, “don’t buy when pregnant”… or any other time.) DBP is commonly used in adhesives or printing inks, but is also found in most nail polish. This agent may cause birth defects, and may be a contributing factor to obesity in men.
• Betty’s legs, which have been recently shaved, have also recently been coated with a hefty dose of Triethanolamine, amongst other nasty ingredients. This stuff has been identified as a skin and sense organ toxin.
• Most of the rest of Miss X’s skin has been slathered with scented lotion. The stuff she chose likely contains more than one of the following ingredients: Petrolatum, Synthetic Fragrances, Propylene Glycol, Sodium lauryl sulfate (ewwwww) and Parabens. Collectively, these ingredients can cause metabolic problems, mild skin irritation, headaches, rashes, birth defects, dizziness, and of course, cancer. Our subject’s freshly shaved armpits have just been doused in a bunch of scented deodorant, containing many of the same ingredients PLUS aluminum. Yummy.
• Betty’s face is well made up. Pretty on the outside, but oh so dangerous on the inside. Her foundation contains conventional sunscreen to protect from those harmful U.V. rays, but it also contains PABA and benzophenones, which are known to generate free radicals. (those equal cancer.) Her lipstick contains petroleum and oils that can cause diarrhea, and of course, cancer. Her blush contains a bunch of stuff I don’t even want to try to pronounce, let alone put on my face and her eyeliner, mascera, and eyeshadow, in addition to also being, you guessed it, cancer causing, have been tested on cute fuzzy creatures. Holy Haz-Mat, she’s one big cancer cell!

So what’s the moral to Betty-X’s story? How can we be pretty and not get cancer? The answer is simple. Choose organically made products, such as Elemental Herbs sunscreen and chap stick, and buy your beauty from companies like The Hemp Shak and Saffronrouge, where you know it’s all safe and natural. Or come on in to the House of Bamboo, and get an outfit so comfortable and elegant, you shine without makeup. Either way, face facts and put Betty in her place- back on the shelf.

Song of the day: “Unbroken, Unshaven” by The Budos Band

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