I can think of two things we need more of in this world. First and foremost, we need more bamboo to combat Climate Change, capture carbon and ween us off of fossil fuel dependency. And secondly, we need more personality tests on social media to help us take our minds off the impending and catastrophic consequences of Climate Change. Which got me wondering, if I were a bamboo, what kind of bamboo would I be?
The Bamboo Personality Test is a fun way to learn a little more about this astounding grass, and about an extraordinary person: you. The Bambu Batu website is teeming with in-depth articles about bamboo, approximately 400 of them. But this is probably the only article that aims to give you a deeper understanding of yourself. So we invite you to take the test, which only takes about five minutes, and possibly uncover a few secrets of your nature-loving soul.
Take the bamboo personality test
As you work your way through the quiz, remember that there are no right or wrong answers. Don’t over-think the questions. If you’re torn between two choices, just go with your first reaction and trust your instincts.
Imagine you’re alone on a Saturday night. You’re browsing through your favorite streaming service looking for a movie to watch. What are you most likely to choose?
A. Science fiction spoof. B. Sentimental tear-jerker. C. Comedy classic. D. Steamy romance.
At a cocktail party, the conversation turns from fluffy small talk to matters deep and profound, like the meaning of life. When asked about your spiritual or religious orientation, how will you respond?
A. I go to church (or mosque or synagogue) every Sunday (or Saturday). I find all my answers in the Good Book. B. I’m spiritual but not religious. I meditate regularly and cherish the interdependence of all living beings. C. Oh my God, I love your shoes!
It’s Halloween and you’ve been invited to a mascarade party. You need to pick out a great costume, but what will it be?
A. The Cowardly Lion from the Wizard of Oz. B. The Birdman of Alcatraz. C. Teenage Ninja Mutant Turtle.
Parties and social gatherings have a way of exposing our natural personalities. When the DJ gets going and they open up the dance floor, how are you going to respond?
A. Head straight to your heart’s desire and ask him or her to dance. B. Follow your friends on and off the dance floor, cling closely and avoid any awkward romantic encounters. C. Wait for the Afro-Cuban rhythms and join the Congo line. D. Hide in the bathroom.
So you just completed one of those online questionnaires and you won the first prize in the drawing. It’s an all-expense paid trip to the destination of your choice. Where will you go?
A. Kathmandu, Nepal. B. Cabo San Lucas, Baja Mexico. C. Kauai, Hawaii. D. Bali, Indonesia.
People frequently adopt a different persona in the workplace than they have among their family or their close friends. When you’re sitting in a business meeting with professional colleagues, how are you most likely to behave?
A. In the corporate boardroom, you’re in control. B. A winning team needs a Devil’s Advocate, and that’s you. C. You hate taking responsibility, so you go along with whatever the majority favors.
The alien apocalypse has come and you have the chance to choose your last meal. What will it be?
A. As a fanatic bamboo lover, your last meal will be bamboo shoots. B. You’re last chance to try something new, you order North Africa Tagine. C. No doubt in your mind, you’re going to die with chocolate on your lips.
Personality test results and interpretation
In question #1, if you chose the sci-spoof, then I’m thinking of Men in Black, so you might be a Black Bamboo like Phyllostachys nigra. If you opted for the tear-jerker, then grab a box of Kleenex and settle in for two hours of On Golden Pond. You are precious, you are Golden Bamboo. If classic comedies are your go-to, then you could be a Blue Bamboo, and you’re in for a real treat with the Blues Brothers. And if you crave something a little more stimulating, you might be ready for Fifty Shades of Grey, qualifying you for one shade of Giant Gray Bamboo.
If you answered A and get your answers to the meaning of life from an organized religion, then you could be Temple Bamboo, Semiarundinaria fastuosa. The spiritual but non-religious type is more likely to gravitate towards Eastern mysticism and Buddha Belly Bamboo. Not every personality is cut out for contemplating the Ground of All Being. If you answered C, you might be the airhead or the “dumb blonde” embodied by Golden Goddess Bamboo.
There’s no better way to display your alter ego than at a Halloween ball. There are no bamboo species associated with cowardliness, but there is a ferocious feline. If you chose A, then you might be a Tiger Bamboo, or Phyllostachys nigra ‘Boryana’, with its distinctive markings. The escaped felon or the jailbird is a timeless costume that’s easy to reproduce. If you’re wearing stripes, then you’ll love a striped bamboo like ‘Alphonse Karr’. You can’t go wrong with a comic book or cartoon superhero. If you went with C, then you’re definitely a Tortoise Shell Bamboo, Phyllostachys edulis ‘Heterocycla.
Time for matchmaking. If you shoot straight across the room like Cupid’s Arrow in pursuit of your romantic partner, then you must be an Arrow Bamboo, Pseudosasa japonica. But if you said B, and you’d rather cling to safety, then you’re obviously a clumper. There’s something reassuring about the structure and slow pace of a steady-moving Congo line. If you answered C, you might be a Walking Stick Bamboo, Chimonobambusa tumidissinoda. But hiding in the lavatory? There’s no doubt, you’re a Square Bamboo, Chimonobambusa quadrangularis.
You have the world at your fingertips. If you chose Kathmandu, then you’re a real bamboo lover. Could be Buddha Belly or Temple Bamboo, but at that altitude, I think you must be a Mountain Bamboo like Himalayacalus porcatus, Nepalese Blue. If you’re in the mood for tacos and tequila, then you are surely a Mexican Weeping Bamboo, Otatea acuminata. Hawaii is an excellent choice, and the rainbow-covered mountainsides are ideal for growing bamboo. But you’re probably spending most of your vacation at the beach, so you must be a Seabreeze Bamboo, Bambusa malingensis. Indonesia is another perfect destination for bamboo lovers. If you chose D, then everyone knows you are Sacred Bali Bamboo, Schizostachyum brachycladum.
When it comes down to business, it’s a dog-eat-dog world. If you answered A, then you’re determined to win the Rat Race. And to do so, you have to be a Runner. But every meeting also has a naysayer or a nitpicker. If you said B and you have a knack for shooting down everyone else’s ideas, then you must be a Thorny Bamboo like Bambusa blumeana. Not everyone enjoys an office meeting, and some of us just plain refuse to participate. If you’d rather sit on the fence than get involved in the decision-making process, then maybe you’re a Hedge Bamboo, like Bambusa multiplex.
It could be the last decision of your life, so choose wisely! If you’re eating bamboo for your last meal, then congratulations, you’re a true believer. You could be Moso Bamboo, Phyllostachys edulis, the “edible”, or perhaps Bambusa beecheyana with its enormous shoots. If you have an appetite for exotic flavors of the Sahara, then you must be African Lowland Bamboo, Oxytenanthera abyssinica, a species that flourishes through sub-Saharan Africa and the dry Sahel regions from Ethiopia to Senegal. If C was your answer, then you are not alone. You are a diehard chocolate lover, definitely Borinda fungosa, also known as Chocolate Bamboo.
FEATURE PHOTO: Fred Hornaday, dwarfed by Vivax Bamboo, is an introverted clumper who reads philosophy, writes poetry, and enjoys foreign films.